10 "Hot" Bachelors Who Didn’t Make the List

I’ve once again been left off People magazine’s list of the year’s hottest bachelors. Some guy named “Chace” won the top prize: a free month’s supply of Hot Pockets. And Shia LaBeouf is number three! Are you for serious?! The best thing I’ve ever heard anyone say about Shia LaBeouf is that he’s mildly tolerable – and such praise certainly did not come from me. I’m concerned that People’s criteria may be too narrowly contingent on their definition of what they mean by HOT. If by hot they mean above average attractiveness, youthfulness, with financial successes within the film, music, or television industry (though not necessarily talented per se), then I believe they may be on to something with their list. However, please allow me the opportunity to expand on what it means to be hot through a consideration of the following bachelor nominees:


10. Brett Michaels … Brett has managed to cash in big on his bachelor status and in the process completely revitalize his career. That’s pretty hot. He adds an additional layer of hotness due to Rock of Love being a quick (albeit trashy) way to become a D-list celebrity.





9. Seth Macfarlane … The creator of Family Guy and American Dad is not only attractive, but über talented (and funny). Seth is hot. Shia is not.






8. Bruce Wayne … If men of mystery are what get you hot and bothered there’s nothing more steamy than Bruce Wayne. This billionaire playboy comes with a toned physique, the ultimate bachelor pad, and a pretty cool car down in the basement garage (if you know what I mean). However, don’t expect to bring this boy-toy home to meet your Nana. He’s not really the backyard BBQ type.




7. Hugh Downs … Okay, so technically he’s married. But that doesn’t stop Hugh “the smack” Downs from living the ultimate bachelor lifestyle. In all seriousness, HD might be the best living representation of Dos Equis’ “Most Interesting Man in The World” campaign. Hugh has trained with NASA astronauts, is a special consultant to the United Nations, and once physically moved the South Pole to its rightful location … Hot! Hot! Hot!




6. Raúl (the guy who usually cuts my hair) … Raúl comes from a big family so he’s all about kids. He’s also very attractive and carries around one of those flat combs that fit into the palm of your hand so it looks like you’re just brushing your hand over scalp but really you’re combing your hair.




5. Alec Guinness … Yes, I know, he’s dead. But that’s partly what makes him such a super hot bachelor. As Obi-Wan Kenobi, Guinness is iconic for giving us the Force; a binding and metaphysical power that allows for ubiquitous encounters (i.e. moving objects with your mind and the glowing Obi-Wan spirit who keeps reappearing in the sequels). Now I can’t speak for every bachelor, but much like the Mach-3 and modern irrigation systems, Jedi-mind-tricks have become a staple of contemporary bachelor living (and has opened plenty o’ stubborn pickle jars I might add).


4. Stephen Hawking … Hotness equals excitement, and nothing is more exciting than being on the forefront of knowing the makeup of the universe. And that voice! Why no one has scooped up this gem is beyond me and clearly out of this world.





3. Alf … This Melmac native has been flying solo for over two decades and keeping things hot every step of the way. Alf has picked up a lot of uncanny abilities throughout the years and has traveled to plenty of far-off and exotic places. A frequent yearly contender for People’s top spot on their list, Alf just missed the cut this year despite breaking things off with Natalie Portman back in November.




2. Scott Boras (not the sports agent) … Well, you can’t have Hot Tuna Meltdown without the “Hot,” and that’s where I come in.






1. Alec Baldwin … We humbly bow to you, Oh Great One! You are the perfect blend of raw talent, sharp wit, and pseudo sophistication. And just when you’ve got the charm-boosters blasting at full throttle, that’s when you turn into a surly and obnoxious SOB, and we love you for it.