King of Pop Creamed in Butter Poll: Boycott Immanent

Each summer the Iowa State Fair provides a plethora of carnival excitement and bovine-inspired fun for families and fair-goers of all ages. This year, however, HTM fervently asks (nay, DEMANDS!) that its loyal readers boycott the ISF for its outrageous (nay, DEPLORABLE!) position regarding buttery visages of the King of Pop.

One of the more popular attractions at the ISF is the butter sculpture exhibition, which is sponsored each year by the Midwest Dairy Association. In an online poll, Iowa citizens, PETA activists, and potential ISF attendees voted overwhelmingly against the creation of a Michael Jackson butter sculpture. Kent Lehs, a manager with MDA, claims that Jackson’s achievements as a performer did not factor into the decision, but rather concerns were “more pointed toward the things he was implicated on in his personal life.” While we here at HTM whole-heartedly agree that grown men should not sleep in the nude with minors (under any conditions), we also recognize that a 12 person jury found Jackson ‘not guilty’ of any wrong-doing in the matter. Regardless of what one thinks of MJ’s personal demons and the accusations against him, he nonetheless is a popular culture icon (perhaps the greatest performer of his generation) who deserves his day in butter.

To add some irony to the ISF debacle, sculptors had planned to feature Jackson this summer well before his sudden death. Sara Pratt, who in 2006 became the Fair’s official butter sculptress, had every intention of sculpting Jackson in his ‘moonwalk’ pose as a means to commemorate the 40th anniversary of Neil Armstrong’s walk on the moon. Oddly enough, Jackson’s death (and subsequent moral concerns over how he should be memorialized) generated over 100,000 votes in the poll that ultimately decided Jackson’s buttery fate – 65% of which felt unfavorably toward a lard likeness of MJ.

What angers us most about the butter bust of ’09 is the blatant hypocrisy the citizens of Iowa so eagerly engage in. Past recipients of butter sculptures include Darth Vader (pure evil), Elvis (glutton), Marilyn (addict), Jesus Christ and his apostles (most of whom were married to 12 year olds), and Richard “I am not a crook” Nixon … There is clearly something wrong with the people of Iowa, and thus the only sensible repercussion is a complete (nay, VIOLENT!) boycott of any and all ISF activities. For what it’s worth, the next time we here at HTM sit down to butter-up a baked potato or happen to be snacking on some lard, we will not hesitate to mold our own mini-moonwalker.

Breaking News: Wayward Wiener Crashes Into Home

Please recall last week’s post wherein HTM brought you investigative reporting regarding the passing of third generation meat-packaging mogul, Oscar G. Mayer. Today we were greeted with even more sad news coming out of the Mayer camp when we learned that the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile crashed into a private residence in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin on Friday.

Police say that the driver of the Wienermobile was attempting to turn the vehicle around in a driveway when the accident happened. The driver claims that he was attempting to reverse but accidently accelerated while the 13 foot long wiener was still in drive. Results from toxicology tests are forthcoming. Both the home and vehicle suffered moderate amounts of damage but luckily no one was hurt.

Though we hate to speculate on the exact cause of such an accident, we would be remiss not to point out that “lightening” (in this case death and vehicular suicide attempts) doesn’t strike twice in a single week … We can only hope that the rest of the Oscar Mayer clan can find healthier and safer ways to cope with their loss.

Maura Tierney: Get Well Soon

HTM would like to wish a speedy recovery for actress Maura Tierney, who will undergo surgery in the next day or so to remove a potentially cancerous tumor from her breast. Tierney is most known for her leading roles in NewsRadio and ER, and was slated to star in NBC’s upcoming Parenthood, which has subsequently been shelved until her full prognosis is known. Parenthood was scheduled to debut in NBC’s fall lineup but will now likely not air until midseason. Though her doctors are optimistic about Tierney’s condition and recovery, the illness nonetheless delayed filming of the show for approximately 8 weeks.

NBC’s Parenthood re-imagines the 1989 film of the same name, which stars Steve Martin and was directed/co-written by Ron Howard. The film offers a perfect blend of comedy and drama and is by far one of Martin and Howard’s most underrated films. Jason Robards, Mary Steenburgen, Dianne Wiest, Rick Moranis, and Keanu Reeves all offer solid performances in supporting roles in the film. The television version of Parenthood has a cast that consists of Peter Krause (Six Feet Under), Criag T. Nelson (Coach), and Mike O’Malley (Nickelodeon's Guts). NBC hired Jason Katims, co-creator/writer of Friday Night Lights to pen the show, which promises to recapture the film’s original charm … As huge fans of the film, we here at HTM have been eagerly anticipating the new show. Get well soon, Tierney! Looks like you’ve got a hit show waiting in the wings for your return.

HTM’s Style Revival #002: Bloomers!

Bloomers were first conceptualized by Elizabeth Smith Miller of Peterboro, NY, and then popularized by temperance advocate Amelia Bloomer in the early 1850’s (thus deriving their name). Traditionally long baggy undergarments worn under skirts or dresses, bloomers narrow at the ankle in order to close off exposure to the legs. At the time, women were becoming much more physically and socially active in the public sphere, yet still needed to retain some semblance of Victorian modesty. Therefore, women seeking social and legal equality, temperance, and abolition tended to wear these “reform costumes” as functional means to break from the domesticity of the home. Because bloomers were often worn by progressive (usually upper-class) female activists, newspapers and the moral-majority typically used the bloomer as a means to ridicule and chastise early feminist efforts. Thusly, to be called a ‘bloomer’ at the time was typically considered an insult.

The latter half of the 19th century saw the traditional bloomer evolve for the sake of athletic functionality. The closed-off ankle cuff on bloomers moved up to the knee and the lower leg was then covered with a stocking, creating a baggy trouser that allowed for easier mobility (mainly for bicycling, gymnastics, horseback riding, etc.). The ‘male’ versions of these pants were called “knickerbockers” (though the terms are sometimes used interchangeably despite gender. For example, female underpants were often referred to as ‘knickers.’ Additionally, a Bloomington, Illinois minor league baseball team in the early 1900’s was called “the bloomers” despite being an all-male team). Regardless, these new bloomers provided a means for women to play sports, while not exposing themselves, yet appear as if they were still wearing a skirt. For men (and women, I suppose) the bagginess of the pants preserved the modesty of the time by providing enough pants-space so that one’s nasty bits got lost in the excess fabric.

Of course, as time progressed bloomers became shorter and shorter, and eventually tighter and tighter. By the 1940’s and 50’s traditional bloomers were rarely seen (replaced by straight slacks and form fitting skirts). In fact, the only place one would likely see bloomers at this time would be as athletic attire for young girls in gym classes. Then the 1960’s counter-culture movement pretty much killed off the appeal and social necessity of bloomers completely.

Today, bloomers are still considered an obscure fashion remnant of an overly conservative past. Nonetheless, the style and flare for bloomers has found a slight resurgence in popularity amongst female Japanese teenagers. Contemporary Japanese versions of bloomers are called “burumas,” which are essentially puffy shorts that leave most of the leg exposed. They were originally designed as athletic wear for young girls but have become somewhat commonplace fashion. Westerners often confuse burumas with underwear; however, they are intended to be worn on the outside of one’s undergarments. For those looking to re-live the past, traditional bloomers can still sometimes be found in vintage clothing stores. I was once at a college house party wherein the female host (after much celebrating with various libations) went around lifting her skirt, thereby exposing her vintage polka dot pantaloons and yelling, “Bloomers!”

Finally, we here at HTM would like to give a shout-out to an all together different kind of bloomer. Outback Steakhouse claims to have first invented the “Blooming Onion” in 1988 when the chain first opened its doors. A popular restaurant appetizer, the 'blooming onion' or 'onion blossom' consists of one large deep-fried Vidalia onion which is cut to resemble a blossoming flower. In 2008, Men's Health magazine named Chili's "Awesome Blossom" as the "worst appitizer in America," citing its nutritional value (rather than taste) as the reason. The magazine contends that the dish contains 2.710 calories, 203 grams of fat, and 6,360 mg's of sodium (the heath equivalent eating 67 strips of bacon) ... Delicious!

Wienie Roast: RIP Bologna

The world of popular culture has had a rough go of it as of late. Up until now HTM has resisted posting about the deaths of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Steve McNair, and OxyClean. Simply put, there are far greater minds and infinitely more well informed opinions out there to comment on such tragedies. Nonetheless, the most recent pop culture passing has left us in deep mourning.

Oscar G. Mayer, retired chairman of Oscar Mayer Foods, passed away on Monday of old age (he was 95). Mayer was the third generation owner of a meat packing company started in Chicago by his grandfather around 1900. Though his father is credited with bringing about the Wienermobile, it was during OGM's tenure that the indelible songs "Oh I Wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener" and "My Bologna Has a First Name ..." really took off.

HTM is recognizing Oscar G. Mayer for three key reasons. First, as a blog that takes its name, charisma, and disposition from canned tuna fish, we have a particular appreciation for those who've pioneered the manufacturing and popularity of heavily processed meats. Secondly, you can't spell "bologna" without "blog." And finally, we are very huge fans of the famous Oscar Mayer jingles, and for this reason alone we will forever be envious of Oscar Mayer's accomplishments and legacy. I mean, how epic would it feel if everyone in America sang, "Oh I Wish I Was a [your name here] Wiener!"

Tuna Texas Meltdown

Here at HTM, we would like to apologize for our brief hiatus from regular postings. Our editorial staff recognizes that HTM provides a user-friendly means to fill the bleak and empty voids in the lives of so many of our loyal readers. With that understanding comes great responsibility, and here at HTM we promise to work extra diligently to fulfill such needs. In the case of our most recent absence, Texas is largely to blame.

Last week HTM set out on a road expedition (to help move a friend) from Phoenix, AZ to Austin, TX. The trip took two full days of driving and cost tax payers upwards of about $32 billion. The route took us through the southern part of Arizona, New Mexico, right along the Mexican border to El Paso, and directly into No Country for Old Men. Austin itself is a wonderful city, and HTM would like to thank those who made the trip a blast (it took this long to fully recover). We’re also firm believers that hearing about someone else’s vacation can be kind of boring and very much self-serving. Therefore, here are three things you probably didn’t know about Texas:

1) Texas Governor Rick Perry is ass crackers insane and he’s not even George W. Bush. Earlier this year the Governor made headlines when he reacted to Obama’s bail-out policies by claiming that Washington has abandoned the nation’s founding principles of limited government. His solution: Secede from the Union! Because the Texas economy is doing relatively well compared to the rest of the nation, some Texans (including their Gov) feel that they don’t have much use for the rest of us. Oddly enough, through his statements Perry has technically committed treason, which of course is punishable by death according to the U.S. Constitution ... God bless Texas!

2) According to the law, it’s still a “hanging offense” if you steal cattle in the state of Texas.

3) Austin has the number one bat population in the entire country. Additionally, there are around 10,000 different species of spiders in the world and just about all 10,000 of them can be found in Texas. In other words, Texas is infested.

... And finally, here are three things that may or may not have happened to me while in Austin:

• Rode a mechanical bull
  [Probably happened or some variation of it happened, such as he rode one of those 75 cent mechanical horses outside the Walmart]
  
• Called a 6th Street bouncer a derogatory name … twice … to his face
  [Maybe happened, but probably not. Though, you know how he gets with figures of authority]
  
• Pulled off the I-10 highway for a smoke while Joe fixed the taillight on the U-hall.
  [NOT TRUE! No way! He has to be making that up. Man, what a character!]
  

HTM’s Retro Appliance of the Month: The Electric Toaster

Toast is created at about 310 degrees Fahrenheit wherein sugars and starches contained in bread go through a process called the Maillard Reaction. When heated, the chemicals contained on the surface of bread carmelize, turn brown, and take on different flavors (depending on the type of bread). If by chance underlying grain fibers beneath the surface sugars and starches heat too rapidly and turn to carbon, we are then left with burnt toast.

In 1909, hard working innovators at General Electric capitalized on Maillardian experimentation on bread and introduced the first electric toaster for mass consumption. The first toasters offered a quick and easy way to have access to toast without needing to heat up an entire oven or build a small fire in your kitchen sink. Despite an attempt at being practical in both functional and aesthetic design, the very first toasters were not necessarily the easiest to use or the nicest thing to look at. The “cages” on these early toasters were constantly being repositioned so as to minimize the chance of burnt fingers. Subsequently, the look of the toaster rapidly evolved alongside popular fashion trends of the times, as well as advancements in toasting technology.


This 1930’s toaster evokes the art deco style often found in the architecture and fashion of time, a neoclassical contraption teetering precariously on the doorstep of modernity.

This 1950’s model complements the domesticity and conformity of an industrial yet suburban post-war landscape. Notice how much it looks like a Buick.







To be “toasted” in the 1970’s meant you’d been hanging with these dudes.







Today’s toasters can oppress galaxies by hunting down Rebel alliances and call upon the forces of the Dark Side to destroy you.







Finally, we here at HTM would like to pay tribute to a figure who has had an indelible impact on the lineage and social significance of toast. Here’s to you, Powdered Toast Man!

Oscar Shock: It’s an Honor Just to be Nominated

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today that for the first time since 1943, the category for Best Picture will contain 10 nominees. Prior to 1943, the category contained as many nominees as the Academy deemed necessary. Casablanca beat out nine other contenders that year, however, every subsequent year the Academy has only recognized five films in the category.

The announcement coincides with the Academy’s celebration of the 70th anniversary of the 1939 awards, thought of as the greatest year of Hollywood’s assembly-line-style of film production. That year’s films include, Wizard of Oz, Gone With the Wind, Stagecoach, Love Affair, Of Mice and Men, Wuthering Heights, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and Goodbye, Mr. Chips ... So what does this change mean? No one really knows for sure since the film industry has changed radically since 1943. The question then becomes, Are there 10 legitimate BP nominees that get produced each year? At the very least it opens the door for other genres to get more critical acclaim and recognition. This year, don’t be surprised to see films like Star Trek, Up, and maybe even The Hangover get a shot at Oscar.

The following is a list of films recognized by the American Film Institute as being in the top 100 American films of all time, but having never been nominated for Best Picture. The list is not exhaustive (emphasizing how often Oscar actually gets it wrong), but rather gives an idea of what typically gets left out of the top five.

• King Kong (1933) ... cinematography and special effects powerhouse
  
• Bringing Up Baby (1938) ... such a great pairing
  
• The African Queen (1951) … probably my favorite drama on this list
  
• Singing in the Rain (1952) … probably my favorite overall film on this list, ranked 5th all-time by AFI
  
• Easy Rider (1969) ... so much talent oozing from this scene, but Nicholson steals it
  
• Sophie’s Choice (1982) … despite Streep winning for best actress. Ugh! This one always gets to me
  
• Blade Runner (1982) … sci-fi that broke the mold, should’ve been nominated
  
• Do the Right Thing (1989) ... speaking of breaking molds

HTM's On the Town: Bingo Night at the American Legion, Post 35

Each month HTM will try to bring you a new feature called “On the Town,” which will offer firsthand highlights of a local valley hot-spot. This month we’ve selected to spend a Saturday evening at the American Legion in Chandler on Bingo night.

What: B-I-N-G-O
Where: 2240 W. Chandler Blvd., Chandler, AZ
When: Each and every Saturday, staring at 7:00 pm

For those unfamiliar, BINGO is a game of chance wherein players purchase pre-printed playing cards with a 5 X 5 number matrix on them. The numbers in the matrixes are randomly sorted on each card, falling within columns that are each assigned a letter (B-I-N-G-O). Numbers are selected and called out to the players who then mark off coinciding numbers on their playing cards. The winner is the first person to achieve whatever desired pattern is being asked for in that particular game. Upon winning, the person(s) with the completed game card will typically yell “BINGO!” really loudly and everyone else groans and crumples up their playing cards and fills their catheters.

Bingo was first played as an Italian lottery game in the 1500’s. Over the years the game evolved but did not became popular in the United States until the 1920’s when traveling carnivals featured the game of chance as a thoroughfare attraction. Today, most Bingo parlors can be found either at casinos or your local American Legion/ VFW. On this Saturday there are about 50 people at the Chandler American Legion, all wanting a chance at the $2975 worth of prize money to be given out this evening. Each pot (with the exception of the “early-bird”) is worth $100, and there are two big pots ($300 and $1000) that happen at the end of the evening.

Since so much cash is at stake, people tend to take their Bingo very seriously. The repercussions of this fact can be a bit jarring to any newcomer. It will come as no surprise that the average age of the night’s patrons is approximately 55-65 years old, with a strong contingent of Saturday night gamblers who look to be pushing 80 or 90. Don’t let appearances fool you! These “regulars” (though fragile and lovable) do NOT like to lose, and certainly not to any loud-mouth hipster-wannabe bloggers whose idea of having fun on a Saturday night is to hang out with them. Additionally, regulars may come off as a bit abrasive because newcomers often violate the decorum of Bingo parlor propriety. Keeping up with the game actually requires a bit of concentration (they constantly mix up the patterns needed to win), and therefore conversations are expected to be minimal and quiet. Also, many seasoned professionals play multiple cards in a single game, which can be considerably difficult to follow bearing in mind how fast they call out the numbers.

Though it has never resulted in an all-out reprimand, both times I’ve ventured out to play Bingo my group has been either shushed or scolded by neighboring players. We probably deserved it every time. I also must admit that our fellow “dauber-dabblers” have been incredibly helpful whenever we are confused about what sheet we are playing on, the specific rules of the pattern, or even how to call out BINGO … One of my companions was the co-winner of the 2nd or 3rd game of night and didn’t exactly shout out Bingo with triumph, but rather offered a whimper that slowly grew as senior citizens all around us egged him on and coached him on how to yell out BINGO! – Which he finally did after standing and feebly holding up his card. Then the lady behind us told him that he shouldn’t stand up next time if he doesn’t want everybody laughing at him.

Most Bingo etiquette can only be learned by experiencing the game. And despite the competitive nature of some of the clientele, most everyone there is happy to see new faces (and fresh cash) circulating amongst friends. Here is a list of everything you will need in order to live-it-up at Bingo night:

Playing Cards – These are to be purchased when you arrive at the Bingo parlor. The American Legion in Chandler offers up to 22 individual games that can be purchased as a packet or individually. The cost to play in all 22 games at the Chandler American Legion is just under $20 … (Probably a good idea to bring cash)

Bingo Marker or “Dauber” – This device is used to mark playing cards in order to denote when/where a number has been called. Daubers come in a variety of colors and can be purchased with your playing cards for $1 if you don’t already have one.

Good Luck Charms – Most commonly troll dolls, these are whatever trinkets or nick-knacks needed to give you that extra edge. Seasoned Bingo players will typically barricade themselves with a wall of good luck charms and daubers.

Once you have purchased all of your equipment and have a clear understanding of what you’re getting yourself into, you will then want to select seating that gives you an optimal view of the Bingo call-board. This will allow you to both visually (and audibly) follow along with the game-play. Of the 17 games I played on Saturday, I was able to win two of them (but had to share the $100 pots with multiple winners both times). In total I paid $16 for about two and a half hours worth of game-play and managed to walk away with $58. The four of us at our table (my two companions and an 80 year-old woman we didn’t know) managed to win an impressive 6 of the 22 games. The elderly woman took home $225! … I like to think we were her good luck charms.

Finally, for those true Bingo enthusiasts out there, one of the American Legion’s sponsors, Cruise One, offer cruises wherein they will sail you out into the middle of the ocean where you can then play Bingo. For more information contact Linda and Dorsey at 480.883.6236.

Ash and Obama: Team-Up of the Century

By now Obama has made plenty of cameos in comic books, including Spider-Man, Youngblood, and Savage Dragon. His most recently announced guest appearance, however, promises to be epic. Obama will team up with Ash from Army of Darkness for a four part series starting this August. Rumor has it that the storyline will revolve around Ash attending a comic book convention which just so happens to also be hosting the president. Soon the whole place is overrun by possessed demons and apparently Ash has to save Obama, thus the title, “Ash Saves Obama.”

In 2007 (when Obama was still a bit of a long shot for the party’s nomination) Nat Gertler included a brief cameo of Obama in his Indy comic Licensable Bear. However, Obama’s first big comic splash came a year later when Savage Dragon endorsed the candidate for president in the March 2008 issue (#145). Obama is featured most prominently (with a reoccurring role) in the current Youngblood series, wherein a young and upstart president assembles a team of superheroes to defend the nation. And as if truth were better than fiction, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Sarah Palin each have single issue comic biographies (M. Obama’s and McCain’s are the best in the series). Perhaps not surprisingly, most of these issues are now in their third or fourth printing.